Communication Breakdown and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism
In the last blog article we briefly reviewed the Four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Today we will focus on criticism, where it shows up in our relationships and how to deal with it in the face of arguments. The caveat is that both you and your partner / family member/ friend/ receiving end also need to show up.
Criticism is a harsh judgment of an action that makes us feel not good enough, failed, or that we did something wrong. In arguments this can come up as “You never do x, y, z” or “You always do x, y, z” and it stings. It's hard to shrug off critical comments because sometimes we actually do our best but the effort our partner notices are the things that haven’t been done. For example, John works from home and cleans up the kitchen before Sally returns from work. Sally notices that he stacked the plates in the wrong order and didn’t take out the garbage. Time and time again I see couples build resentment towards one another rather than expressing their gratitude. In the thralls of resentment, I often hear “Why would I appreciate him for doing a chore that needs to be done everyday?” In this case I might say “I see what you are saying, and yet it does feel nice to be appreciated, right?”
With criticism the sting can persist and make us truly believe what we did was wrong and under chronic conditions, make us have a negative self-concept. Further, it takes away from the positive behaviours that one did and focuses on the negative aspects instead. Classically couples fall into the trap of naturally becoming defensive and justify their point, which leads to further conflict and lack of resolution.
Behind the criticism is a wish and a longing wherein working together towards attaining that wish for mutual enjoyment requires both parties let go of their grudge and bitterness. We can mend the disagreement with a repair, which is allowing the partner the opportunity to ‘fix it’ rather than to attack you. This comes by using “I statements” rather than you, or blaming as that puts you into the defensive mode.
The good thing is that there is an antidote: The gentle start up:
Express the feeling using I statement(s)
About the current situation
What you need
Last rule:
No ‘buts’
Using this format you and your partner must remember you are teammates. You show up playing the same game and give one another the benefit of the doubt and you might be surprised about what happens! You will likely experience mutual satisfaction, feeling understood, and good enough, all of which bring you closer together.
Bridging questions:
What emotion do I feel when I feel criticized?
What do I feel when I am a teammate?
