Communication Breakdown and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Part 3: Contempt
Contempt is the third horsemen of our series, and it is the most destructive. Contempt is an attack on our partner's personality using disgust, superiority, and disrespect in describing them. In looking down on your partner, not only are you very effectively hurting them, you are also destroying the relationship very quickly. In fact, Drs Julie and John Gottman found the strongest predictors of divorce is when couples use contempt to communicate. If that is not enough cause for concern, they further found there is a direct effect on your immune system and are able to predict how many infectious diseases your partner is likely to have within the next 4 years as a result of contempt.
Thats right. Using contempt will not only destroy your relationship, but also your emotional, psychological, sense of self, and physically damage your partner. The Gottman’s research shows that giving our partner a 6 second kiss, a stress reducing conversation, and verbalizing our appreciations are the most effective methods to combat contempt by demonstrating fondness and admiration. If this isn’t part of your relationship YET, book a session with me and I will help you turn this around.
Do you need a stronger wake up call? Maybe not, but perhaps you also don’t know how sneaky contempt is and where it seeps into your communication.
Using contempt in conflict looks like:
You’re so stupid! How could you even think that way? (Disgust and insult)
Oh you want to go home? You pathetic little man, you can’t even stay up until 10pm? You need your “beauty sleep”, is that what you want? (Mockery and sarcasm)
You think you’re so superior! (Put down)
How would you respond if your partner constantly spoke to you like this?
A conversation like this makes it close to impossible to resolve said conflict as it fuels negative thoughts, beliefs, and reinforces many of the biases you have towards your partner.
If these words were not enough, you can also express contempt through facial expressions. The class eye rolling - an expression that teenagers are very good at- and curling the left corner of your mouth up- like a half smile are the two physical demonstrations of contempt. These two movements can be used together, and sometimes a little “humph” while you’re at it to make it hit home.
These weapons are highly effective in making your partner feel self-conscious, angry, uncooperative, and resentful towards you with a good reason to end the relationship. I often hear couples get into a little argument and not only do I hear the contempt but I also hear how frustrating it is not to know how to communicate what they are actually feeling. You see, this horsemen along with criticism is describing your partner and not yourself; how horrible they are, how what they chose to wear is wrong, but these comments are rarely emotions the speaker is feeling.
This is precisely where the antidote comes into play: describe your feelings about the situation and a positive need from the partner.
Here is an example to mockery from the above example:
You would like to go home? Okay, I understand that you are feeling tired at the party from a long day at work, I was wondering if we could stay for another 30 minutes before leaving.
OR
You would like to go home? I am feeling really energized here at the party and haven’t seen my friends in a while. I thought I could ask our friend to drive me home so you can go home and have a good night's rest- how does that sound?
This is a very different conversation. Again, how would you respond to your partner if they spoke to you like this?
Successful couples rarely use contempt in their relationship. If it comes up every once and a while, this is not a big redflag rather use this opportunity to apologize and reframe the communication with the antidote. Remember we are always working together as teammates and if we can pass our partner a PLAYABLE ball, you are working to have a healthy relationship.
The second antidote is creating a culture of appreciation. As it is the second level in the Sound Relationship House, this is close to the foundational layer of a thriving relationship. Couples who look back on their relationship with positivity are much more likely to have a positive perspective about it even through the tough times. With a positive approach it continuously shows we believe our partner (and relationship) are worthy of respect and love. Naturally we not only give them the benefit of the doubt, but we verbalize and demonstrate our appreciation, fondness and admiration. Further, you would not throw contempt and why would you?
If you have ever been on the receiving end of contempt, reflect on what it feels like in your body. Remember that reaction? Now think about a time when you felt appreciated, loved, and seen by your partner. Remember that? No wonder words directly affect our immune system. Our somatic bodily response when receiving fondness and admiration is ALSO an effective way to maintain a healthy immune system.
Example reply:
I appreciate that you are considering the fact I had a long day at work. I will go home early and you enjoy the rest of the party. Text me when you are on your way back home. *Gives partner a 6 second kiss and a hug before leaving*.
Truly, when I think about this latest example it makes me smile because it makes me feel grateful, respected, and loving by and towards my partner. And you know what? It really is not that hard to do. Again, are we not in a relationship to have this fulfilled and created together?
Bridging questions:
When has contempt showed up in our communication before?
How can we ensure it doesn’t happen again and with accountability?
How can we create an environment that does not foster contempt, rather creates an open, honest, and constructive communication between us.
