Let’s talk about Sex. Baby.
Talking about sex with your partner isn’t always easy. It can make you feel vulnerable, awkward, unsure how to answer some questions, not sure what you enjoy or even know how to ask, or even what you like. Additionally, you may have people pleased the whole relationship and settled for mediocre sex! Not an ideal circumstance.
Couples I see who are not having (good) sex are also not talking about sex… at all. Instead, the topic goes under the rug and not under the sheets. I often hear the reason why is to not hurt the partner, to not disappoint them, they feel ashamed of their fantasy, and perhaps they were hurt by their partner in some way. While all these factors are valid reasons to not talk about sex, you might have also noticed it has not increased your sex life satisfaction. I believe that if this method isn’t working so far, what makes us believe it will work if we try it again?
As Dr John Gottman says “couples who talk about sex have great sex” because you communicate your wants and needs. It always comes back to communication… doesn’t it? The Gottman’s also showed that good sex is interrelated with intimacy, trust, and friendship which creates an emotional connection. Women in particular need to feel they are safe with their partner in order to be vulnerable physically and emotionally about sex. Furthermore, couples who make sex a priority because it is not seen as a chore.
So let’s get talkin’ through the awkwardness.
Here are a three ways to get the topic flowing in a casual way.
1 . Consider the three T’s: timing, tone, and turf
Like any hard or awkward conversation, you want to ensure you and your partner are in the right state of being to talk. Dr Emily, a sexologist and podcast host, recommends using the three T’s to create a space for hard conversations:
Timing: Make sure you have met your basic needs and aren’t hungry, angry, lonely or tired.
Tone: Using “I” statements and being curious with your partner will steer the conversation away from blame and judgment, towards openness and problem solving.
Turf: Have the conversation in a neutral environment, not in the bedroom. This can look like going on a walk, sitting down at your weekly check-in table, or booking a session with me to have a vulnerable conversation with support on all ends.
With these factors in place and communicating yourself, this is a great step towards having a conversation about sex.
I encourage you to consider voicing the awkwardness of the conversation, “Hey babe, it is really awkward for me to say this but I don’t know how else to say it.” or “I feel anxious about talking to you about our sex life. I am going to do my best to say what I need to say.” The chances are likely your partner feels similarly or has noticed.
2. Reminisce about the sexy times
It is much easier to express yourself when you have had an experience to back up any evidence, thought, or belief. What is great about reminiscing is that it involves both you and your partner(s) and brings in the element of play and desire again. Here you have the opportunity to say what you did like and how they did it, not what they did not do.
You can prompt the question by saying “I liked it when you touched me on the left” “Remember that time when you…” “You know what I would love to do again?” here you can induce your partner(s) memory to jog by including what their body, mood, sexual style, the moment was like for you.
3. Write down your yes, no and maybe list
Sexytime is on a spectrum and there are likely activities that are more comfortable than others. Write down individually what your preferences are and compare them to one another. This needs to include consent. It will guide you both to have an open conversation about sex, future references, boundaries, and what could be part of the relationship in the future.
I highly suggest writing them individually so as not to be influenced by your partners preferences that could override yours. It is okay to have differing perspectives, desires, wants, and needs, so long as it is consensual, not hurting anyone, and pleasing.
I find the “maybe” list just as important because it can be a stepping stone for the future. For example, you both fantasize about including another individual into the bedroom but you are not ready to make the leap as you do not feel solid enough in the relationship quite yet. I fully support going at the pace that you need to as there is no rush!
At the end of the day, what these ways attempt to create is intimacy and trust. Wrapped up in communication, you can move mountains coming from a place of vulnerability. As an intimacy focused therapist, it is music to my ears when I hear couples let me know how they felt physically and emotionally connected after having a hard conversation. Because you know what happens next…. I will leave it with you to guess.
Bridging a hard conversation
I remember the time when you…
This is awkward for me to share with you, but I feel it is an important topic to discuss.
Tell me what you desire
