How to survive the Holidays with family
In continuing our conversation about people-pleasing, it comes at a great time of year to implement what you have learned. The holidays are just around the corner, which inevitably means spending time with family is too. Oh God, are we really THAT close? You bet.
Family can be so incredibly loving but they can also be the bane of our existence. From family rituals that are outdated, to that uncle who drinks too much, to receiving a gift that you have always wanted, there are many dynamics at play. Not to mention the inevitable fighting.
So how do you survive during this time? First, setting boundaries. It might be hard to set one because as a people pleaser you have said “Yes” for so long. But, as you are on this journey of boundaries, this is a great place to start. Here is a way to be discerning with family:
Am I obligated to do this or am I giving in?
Obligated: How can I make this easier for myself?
Giving in: What do I need to do in order to make sure I stand up for myself?
With whatever decision, it is helpful to have an accountabl-a-buddy to guide and support you around this decision making. Not someone to choose for you, someone to help you stay true to yourself. It can be a loved one or perhaps your therapist.
This week I worked with a client who needed to set boundaries with her family. The story goes that the big family all got together because they wanted to do a special outing. But, my client had no interest in going. She was already hosting the immediate and extended family for the weekend and needed some space to keep herself above water. We worked on running through various scenarios and choosing herself first. The time came when she had to say “No” to this outing and, as you can imagine, there was A LOT of push back. She stood by her “No” strong and hard with the mic-dropping moment that shut everyone up being her admitting she was working on setting boundaries with her counsellor. The family snapped out of it and my client was able to go home and enjoy her alone time before dinner.
I am very proud of her because she implemented what she sets out to do. Her boundary is a perfect example of how, when you stand up for yourself, people will listen to you. Plus, there was no internal FOMO or resentment from her family about her choice.
It is possible you just have to remember the people pleasing cascade and catching yourself before the water falls.
People pleasing is a trauma response to avoid conflict, saying “yes” is lying, saying “yes” pushes others away and makes it hard to really get to know you, saying “yes” denies you of an experience that is enjoyable to you. In remembering this, I do believe that you are capable of choosing yourself and others can handle it in their way. You are NOT responsible for their emotions or how they react. They are able to manage it themselves; you managed it as a people pleaser too.
Full circle back to holidays, stand up for yourself and see if you can do something new if it causes conflict. Because what you and the family have been doing thus far isn’t working, so why try it again for another year?
Bridging questions and alternative activities
Is this loving to me?
Am I avoiding the conflict?
Activities
Outdoor activity
Culture centre activity together such as learning how to make something
Secret Santa
