Reducing stress with your partner this holiday season
It is normal to be hit with stressful situations during the holidays. Scheduling family and in-laws dinners, differences of opinions, dietary requirements and the like. So how can you and your partner(s) maintain stability and reduce stress during the holiday season?
To set you up for ultimate success, I suggest four things:
1. Ensure the priority list feels balanced.
2. A daily check-in to see where you and your partner are at emotionally, physically, and on the priority list.
3. Prepare for flexibilities and contingencies.
4. Investing in your emotional bank account by doing “Small Things”.
Reducing stress starts with having a realistic plan of attack to rely on and stick to. Visualizing a plan can help mediate expectations and increase honest communication between you and your partner(s). By agreeing on a list of priorities - for you, your partner(s) and together you are already having a conversation in a good headspace rather than in the heat of a frustrating moment. Priorities swing from scheduling family holidays to cleaning the house, especially if you have children.
You might consider reflecting on the previous holidays to see what you could do differently. For example, scheduling the time between spending time with family that felt rushed, or
According to Dr John Gottman’s research, a division of priorities does not have to be equal, it has to feel balanced. He further explains that keeping a tab on your partner can lead to resentment, and this will damage your relationship fast. It is true, and I see it in my office with couples. This is very hard to get through, so while you are ahead remember the recommendations. Please!
In your daily check-in, schedule a quiet space free of distraction for 20-30 minutes. Here you will have a Stress Reducing Conversation created by the Gottmans. This conversation is dedicated to reducing external stresses outside of the relationship. It includes active listening, open ended questions, expressing gratitude and appreciation. The most important part is that you are not going into problem solving mode, you are being present and empathetic.
Lastly, it is important to note “the small things” add up. The Gottman’s call this investing in your emotional bank account. Everytime you make a deposit like asking about your partner's day, preparing tea for them when they get home, texting your partner(s) a small I am thinking about you, or even opening the door for them is an investment. Noticing when you partner invests also adds to your emotional bank account.
These acts seem insignificant, however, the thriving couples I see in my office make this a priority and it becomes second nature. These acts demonstrate that the “us” in the relationship is valuable and appreciated.
The bank account begins to be spent when negative or hurtful comments and acts add up. For every 1 negative comment it takes 5 positive comments to invest. Pretty crazy eh! So please, if there is any gift to reduce stress this holiday season, it is the small things that matter.
Bridging questions
What are my / our priorities this holiday?
Is there a place I can take on more for the priorities to feel balanced?
What small things can I do for my partner(s)?
What small things have I done today for my partner(s)?
