Sexual Scripts: Understanding your sexual narratives

A sexual script is going through your sexual world with a narrative that informs how you make decisions, understand, and relate to sex. We learn and adapt our beliefs based on our experience - or lack thereof- and shapes how we participate in relationships. Our sexual scripts are generally created from the mercy of sex education, cultural narratives, the openness around sexuality, our communities, and lived experiences. It can be confusing when these beliefs are socially challenged and / or you begin to create your own narrative. 

I see different sexual scripts in my office quite a bit. Where one partner grows up with a Christian purity culture surrounding the abstinence of sex as their sex education, and the other being sexually open minded where marriage is not a deal breaker for her, learning about sex through experience and classroom settings. In our sessions it becomes apparent that their view of how they sexually show up in their relationship is largely dependent on their sexual script. No brainer there. 

Where we make progress with these differences are where the scripts overlap. For example, this couple may be open to exploring sexual fetishes for the sake of adventure and thrill. This dynamic often works well when there is a more experienced partner willing to teach and explore with their open partner. We can work with this overlap to create a loving and sexual boundary that is not crossed and used as a teammate. 

I stress the importance of having a grounded conversation about sexual scripts as it offers the couple insight on how to make boundaries last in the relationship. Often this conversation is not had because once we label the relationship, we succumb and assume to the societal narratives that are in place. For example, being monogamous means being in a relationship with one person. Without talking about our comfort levels, boundaries, sexual interests and so forth to our partner, unfortunately we can bump into a line once it is crossed and people get hurt. Furthermore, talking about sexual scripts personalizes your relationship past the societal expectations of said relationship status. 

But how do we talk about our sexual scripts with our partners? 

A colleague asked me how we talk about sexual scripts with those from a different culture. He said the culture he grew up in was more Liberal minded towards sexuality, however many Canadians have a hard time speaking about sex. This, he said, can feel awkward bringing up the topic or unsure how to. It is a fair point, and he asked what I could say. I replied and said opening the conversation about their experience surrounding sex is the best first place to start. Even voicing your awkwardness can bring down your vulnerable walls saying something such as:

 “This is awkward for me to say but how did you learn about sexuality growing up?” 

Or

“How has your perspective of sexuality stayed the same, changed, adapted since then?” 

And 

“How do you see our sexual scripts overlapping?” 

You know your partner best and how they would want to be approached talking about sex, however I find using direct language with curiosity makes the question clearer for your partner. And yes, while it might be awkward I can assure you having this conversation will make your boundaries clear and likely to have a more loving sexual relationship. 

Bridging questions 

What is your sexual script? 

Where do you and your partner(s) sexual scripts overlap? 

Are we on the same page?