Good Enough Sex Model concept #3: Your New Game Plan for a Healthy Sex Life

Now that you have debunked old myths about what sex should be and a new mantra about your sex life, it is time to start afresh with a new sex life. Being in a happy sexual relationship involves desire, pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction, which can be a challenge if there is a difference in libido between partner(s), sexual interests, an emotional conflict between one another, to name a few. What we know about a healthy sex life is that it increases the overall quality of your relationship, but, while having a healthy sex life won’t save a relationship, a poor sex life can cause damage to a healthy relationship by 15-20%. 

All the more reason to invest and talk about sex with your partner in a loving way. 

The first questions to ask one another are, what does a healthy sex life look like for you? And are you committed to establishing a satisfying, secure, and sexual marriage? 

Give it a thought for a moment. 

If your answer is yes, we need to think outside the box (and bedroom) first. With your new sexual mantra we start with integrating intimacy and pleasure with a ritual of connection. The ritual of connection comes from Dr’s John and Julie Gottman who suggest purposefully carving out a daily moment to stop and appreciate one another makes partners feel loved. It can be a hug when you return home from work, bringing them coffee in bed, an appreciation of gratitude at the end of the day. With the business of life, kids, work, you name it, these moments can become far and few between. However, this small but hugely significant time in your day creates intimacy that might have felt so far away for a long time. 

What is your ritual of connection that includes feeling desired? 

Desire can, in fact, make us feel more loved and satisfied than having an orgasm. Having an orgasm is the societal epitome of “having good sex”, but there are many times when having a cuddle in bed or a hug from behind can be more intimate than sex itself. When intimacy is integrated into your relationship and daily life through rituals of connection, it naturally extends toward your sex life. Why? Because we have a consistent feeling and knowledge of being desired throughout the day/week/month from our partner(s) that give you the confirmation that you are worthy of love, intimacy, desire, and pleasure. These feelings do not spontaneously arise as soon as you hit the mattress, no, they are tended to, created, and enjoyed throughout the day. 

While we know and feel sex is integral to a relationship, we must not forget that you and your partner are sexual teammates. Both partners play a fundamental role in the participation of desire and satisfaction as it is not individually one's ‘fault’, rather the narrow emphasis on an expectation that impedes a lot of sexual satisfaction. As teammates, you can personalize what makes you feel desired and have your own ‘gameplay’ because it is your game! 

Bridging questions for you and your partner(s): 

What makes me feel desired and desirable? 

What do I like doing that makes my partner desirable? 

What can our ritual of connection be?