Good Enough Sex Concept #2: Creating a New Mantra for your Sex Life

Barry McCarthy, the creator of the Good Enough Sex Model, advocates for always being sexual teammate(s). A sexual teammate derives from creating eroticism, arousal, and desire between one another during intimate moments. The inclusive element of being a teammate fuels the erotic nature of what therefore becomes a healthy sex life. 

What often happens is we fall into the trap of a socially constructed idea of the ‘right way to have sex’. Succumbing to one of many heteronormative sexual mantras that stigmatize otherwise fully and completely healthy sex lives. An example of a stereotypical sexual mantra is Sex is finished once the man ejaculates; Sex should always be spontaneous; I should only be turned on by one person. While these examples might be part of your sexual narrative, we know at this point not everyone fits this. Unconsciously remembering this bias in your sex life can be extremely lonely and a major turn off. 

Revamping your mantra

Healthy sexual relationship involves 4 main principles: Desire and pleasure which embarks on the journey of giving and receiving; eroticism, the sensations such as feeling turned on or sexy; and satisfaction, which extends to being a sexual person and feeling fulfilled. The common denominator is being an intimate sexual team as well as being an erotic ally with our partner(s). 

What happens when we refocus our mantra about sex and sexuality is that we have an inclusive view of the areas in the relationship that are erotic, desirable, pleasing, and satisfying. With the Good Enough Sex Model, sharing pleasure ranks of higher importance than orgasm itself as the essence of sexual exploration through sensations- touch, visual, hearing, taste, and quite often your love languages- you become a sexual teammate. 

Interestingly but perhaps not surprisingly, these principles can extend and begin outside of the bedroom into your daily life. An example can be having a hug and a kiss throughout the day, being complimented, or wearing something that makes you feel sexy, laughing together. 

The idea that sex should be spontaneous is an unrealistic sexual expectation that, again, leads to disappointment. A great example of being independent in your sex life is rushing to intercourse whereby spending little time on physical touch and contributing to a lack of the 4 main principles of a healthy sex life. I shall challenge you here to spend more time with erotic touch before embarking on the intercourse if this example feels true for you. 

While it is challenging to re-view your sexual narratives, one of the many benefits of a sexual mantra is that it can be updated, and this is encouraged throughout your life given your bodies and life circumstances change. Barry McCarthy puts it bluntly for men who have a challenging time revamping their sexual script: Do you want to be a (sexually) wise man in your 60’s or do you want to be a (sexually) traditional man in your 50’s? 

The truth is that we have the capacity to update and I can say with confidence many couples struggle from knowing what one another's sexual script is. It is an awkward topic, yes, but a necessary one to have a fulfilling sex life. 

Are you ready to be a sexual teammate with your partner? 

Food for thought: 

What is my sexual mantra? 

What does being a sexual teammate mean for us? 

Can you think of any non-sexual and intimate moments you and your partner(s) share together?