Good Enough Sex Concept #1: Debunking sexual myths
While many societal factors contribute to this myth, let's focus on what Good Enough Sex is first. Because you might actually be having Good Enough Sex.
Barry McCarthy is the Grand-daddy of the Good Enough Sex model. As sex therapists, we live by Barry’s work as it adds a substantial deepening of intimacy, love, and eroticism into our work with our couples. What is it about? It is how to co-create a quality and intimate sexual teammate relationship between one another. If that isn’t erotic than what is!
To start, we confront any myths that may poison the couple's notion of good sex.
Can you think of any?
I should be having the same amount of sex as I was when I was 20.
Chronically believing in myths puts pressure on the relationship which can eventually lead to insecurities and feeling defeated. Some couples give up entirely because they would rather not engage in love making that seems unachievable.
Let's take the first common myth for male identifying folx who are sexually active: I should be having the same amount of sex as when I was 20. On a biological level, testosterone production is at its highest level between the ages of 20-30 years of age. Testosterone is the main sex hormone in men, and women, that supports the healthy growth of genitals, bone and muscle strength, and libido. Over the age of 30, testosterone production naturally decreases hence a gradual reduction in sexual libido. This myth not only ignores a healthy set of hormones, it also affects the psychological confidence of not feeling good enough. The social stereotype of sexually active men is such that maintaining the same level of sex with a partner is what qualifies a healthy relationship. In this circumstance, we equate quantity with quality which is a narrow view on how to see good enough sex.
Interestingly enough, McCarthy points out that a woman's enjoyment of sex increases with age! Why? Because we have a much better understanding of what turns us on. McCarthy advocates for sexual desire to be a positive anticipation and feeling that you and your partner(s) deserve pleasure in your intimate relationship. While each person is responsible for their own pleasure, he advises that we do our best to remove myths that lead to shame and guilt; interpersonally and relationally.
How to do this? “Bridging” one another's sexual desire to co-create intimacy. With your partner(s), this can include a discussion where thinking, talking, and anticipating feelings that encourage both partners to be sexual are, rather than where the problems lay.
Questions for bridging:
What was your favourite sexual experience together?
What did you like most about it?
Where do you like to be touched? How do you like to be touched in these areas?
Do you know what turns me on?
Remember, debunking the myth has to include the quality of sex, not quantity. So, are you having Good Enough Sex?
