Communication breakdown part 1: Are you listening to me?

What are we communicating?

The majority of the goals my couples say in our consultation is this: We want to learn how to communicate. What that translates to is I want to learn how to listen. Once we can put our agenda behind us in a conflict, you can then learn how to identify, articulate, accept, and relay your emotionally charged internal world to our partner(s) in an honest, clear, and non-hurtful way. But, I have to say, listening is a big task!

Four types of poor communication styles: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Let’s start with what poor communication looks like. “You never listen to me!” “I never did that” “Typical, I knew you would do that” “No, you’re wrong. You’re too much. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Are these familiar to you? 

Here we have what Dr John and Julie Gottman call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Each style of communicating conflict shows up in fights more strongly when partners don’t feel listened to and are usually not waiting for the other to stop talking to get their point across. It can feel like we are being told what/how to do and discouraged to express feelings as we become misunderstood. 

Criticism

When we criticize, we blame, give blanket statements with words such as ‘always’ ‘never’ ‘you didn’t…’, and accuse the recipient of their wrong doings. Most often these criticisms are said without considering the inevitable positive actions the partner has done. For example, coming home from work and pointing out and criticizing your partner for leaving the fork in the sink, not considering the dishwasher is running and the fact they haven’t eaten all day.       

Am I in a healthy relationship if I communicate poorly?

Having conflict is a natural part of being in a relationship. It establishes boundaries, lets our partner know our internal world, and where our triggers are for your partner to better understand who you are. In healthy communication, we can work through conflict easier when we are listening because we are no longer holding onto resentment or past wounds. Further we can work through the conflict more quickly. 

The health of your relationship in conflict communication is how you resolve it. This is what differs healthy vs un-healthy couples relationships.

Using past fights as a source of ammunition

When in conflict, bringing up past fights or situations to “use as ammunition” against your partner helps us feel more powerful as you have ‘proof’ that your reactions are warranted. In some cases, yes, but when 69% of perpetual problems with your partner are gridlocked, this cycle becomes exhausting and lets face it, certainly not useful. Do you know what the most common topic couples talk about is? 

Nothing.

In boiling it down to the most core level, when the topic we are fighting about is nothing, it is no wonder those who stonewall throw in the towel and say I don’t want to talk about this anymore. In my experience, this is a more avoidant learned behaviour than recognizing the topic itself is about nothing because the topic gets swept under the rug, however it does stop the conversation. I often say when couples want to learn how to communicate effectively is “It’s not about the dishwasher, is it.” They smile and agree. 

Why can’t I get through to my partner? They never listen to me!

What the core theme is during the communication breakdown is that neither individual feels heard, acknowledged, appreciated, or they are in emotional pain over the course of their relationship. Why? Because they aren’t actually listening to one another.

In couples therapy, I help translate these missed connections through using emotional words rather than superficial topics. As an example with the dishwasher it translates to “I am feeling stressed from work and I haven’t eaten all day, and I appreciate you have put the dishwasher on as I see you made me something to eat with the fork you left in the sink.” In pausing, expressing our internal world and listening we can move mountains with improving your communication, we just need to learn how to do this. 

See if you can give it a shot.

Bridging questions:

What is my communication style? 

How do I handle conflict? 

How does my partner experience my conflict style?