Good Enough Sex Concept #1: Debunking sexual myths
While many societal factors contribute to sexual myths, let's focus on what Good Enough Sex is first. Because you might actually be having Good Enough Sex.
Brief background about the Good Enough Sex Model
Barry McCarthy is the Grand-daddy of the Good Enough Sex model. His work is defined as how to co-create quality sexual experiences by being a sexual teammate with your partner. McCarthy’s work has influenced many perspectives that help normalize different sexual desires and offer tools to gain confidence.
There are three main concepts to his model: Debunking sexual myths, recreating personal sexual narratives, and becoming a sexual teammate by defining what good enough sex is by adding intimacy, love, and eroticism.
In this article, we will explore the first concept.
Poisonous sexual myths
In using his model in sex therapy, a therapist would start by confronting any poisonous personal or social sexual myths that may contribute to not feeling good enough.
Can you think of any?
I should be having the same amount of sex as I was when I was 20.
I should want to have sex with my partner.
It is only sex if there is an orgasm.
Chronically believing in myths puts pressure on the relationship which can eventually lead to insecurities and feeling defeated. Some couples give up entirely because they would rather not engage in love making that seems unachievable due to these myths. Unfortunately, I often see this in my practice.
Debunking sexual myth number 1: I should be having the same amount of sex as when I was 20.
Let's take the first common myth for male identifying folx who are sexually active: I should be having the same amount of sex as when I was 20.
On a biological level, testosterone production is at its highest level between the ages of 20-30 years of age. Testosterone is the dominant sex hormone in men, and women, that supports the healthy growth of genitals, bone and muscle strength, and libido. Over the age of 30, testosterone production naturally decreases hence a gradual reduction in sexual libido. This myth not only ignores a healthy set of hormones, it also affects the psychological confidence of not feeling good enough.
On a societal level, the stereotype of sexually active men is such that maintaining the same level of sex with a partner is what qualifies a healthy relationship. In this circumstance, we equate quantity with quality which is a narrow view on how to see good enough sex. Further feeding into parts of toxic masculinity culture where the “identity” is tied up in sexual dominance and the amount of sex over women. Truly this saddens me.
On a mental health level, the pressure on cis-gendered men can put on himself where much of his identity weighs on the physical performance of his penis is enough to make him self-conscious. Falling into anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and stress due to erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety decrease personal and sexual confidence. I often see a narrative of if we think about it more we will figure it out. This happens to not be the case and creates more embarrassment than acceptance and curiosity.
On a relational level, I imagine wanting to have regular sex with your partner in a stressful relationship or after being yelled at is not a turn on. The lack of communication about daily life routines, let alone one's sexual preferences is absolutely enough to cut the passion. To top it off, you might not even want to have sex with your partner because you are not good sexual partners to begin with. This is entirely possible.
What does McCarthy say about female identifying folx sexuality as they age?
Interestingly enough, McCarthy points out that a cis-woman's enjoyment of sex increases with age! Why? Because women have a much better understanding of what turns them on. McCarthy advocates for sexual desire to be a positive anticipation and feeling that you and your partner(s) deserve pleasure in your intimate relationship. While each person is responsible for their own pleasure, he advises that we do our best to remove myths that lead to shame and guilt; interpersonally and relationally.
How does Good Enough Sex impact trans-folx?
Biologically, it is not uncommon for trans-men and trans-women to experience sexual dysfunction due to hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or gender affirming hormone therapy (GAHT). Namely due to testosterone and estrogen levels changing which can create physical and sexual discomfort. More research is needed to have conclusive results and ways to treat and support trans-men and trans-women.
Societally, trans-women are highly sexualized and exoticed with a hyper fixation on trans-individuals genitals by the heteronormative and binary perspective in which our colonial world chooses to see the world. While societal acceptance has a long way to go, there is more acceptance and openness to understanding trans-lives.
For mental health, using GAHT and HRT may reduce the feeling of gender dysphoria but will not change the libido they have. In this case, it is not uncommon to struggle with depression, anxiety, and frustration at the same time as feeling like they are themselves. Sex looks different for everyone and this is where it’s important to be gentle, especially transitioning as they learn a new sexual script and pleasure.
Where does this leave us?
So, with all the evidence gathered about the sexual myth, no, you do not need to be having the same amount of sex as you were when you were 20. Rather, ideally, I hope you are having good enough sex that is actually better quality than more quantity. Knowing your sexual preferences is key to the adaptation of sexual pleasure. It is important to be gentle with yourself when it comes to the inner critic damaging your self-esteem buying into these social myths.
Here exposing the multifaceted levels that intersect debunk this poisonous myth by normalizing these feelings. In sex therapy, a lot of the work we do is normalize our clients' insecurities and challenge social narratives. In all honesty, people do not talk about sex enough that go on to create stigmas and myths like this one. Of course there are many instances where men’s or women’s sexual libido does not decrease and by all means, have as much quality sex as you can! I am an advocate for this.
How do you start to have a conversation about increasing your sex life with your partner?
This is what we call “Bridging”. Bridging one another's sexual desire to co-create intimacy rather than creating individual sexual pleasure.. With your partner(s), this can include a discussion where thinking, talking, and anticipating feelings that encourage both partners to be sexual, rather than where the problems lay. You can read my post here for more easy ways to have the conversation with your partner(s).
Questions for bridging:
What was your favourite sexual experience together?
What did you like most about it?
Where do you like to be touched? How do you like to be touched in these areas?
Do you know what turns me on?
What sexual myths do you have?
Remember, debunking the myth has to include the quality of sex, not quantity. So, are you having Good Enough Sex?
