10 Healthy ways to Set Boundaries
So now that you have a couple of good boundaries- excellent work- and are aware of yours, here are 10 ways to set boundaries:
1. Get clear on what your values are
Why? Because boundaries and values go hand in hand. They clearly identify what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable based on how important they are to you. Getting to know your values also benefits your emotional well-being and gaining awareness around where you can establish boundaries.
2. Start with practicing small boundaries
Establish boundaries in small areas of your life, for example letting the barista know they made your drink wrong. Or not giving an excuse to your friend as to why you cannot go out with them. The small things matter and it provides comfort knowing they are listened to and whether this is a healthy boundary.
3. Start early
If you are considering entering into a new relationship, friendship or workplace, I encourage you to begin establishing your boundaries asap. It is much easier to start boundaries early on so everyone else knows where they stand in relation to you. Moreover, not cause any hurt or confusing feelings for the receiver.
4. Be consistent and repeat
Letting boundaries slide here and there causes confusion for others. Further, it encourages the people-pleasing part of you to ‘give in’. Maintaining consistency helps you reinforce your beliefs and values internally and externally. By being consistent, you are being honest and transparent to those around you.
5. Set time for self-care
Being honest with yourself about how much capacity you have for others is key. Making time for yourself helps you reset and put yourself first, which can be challenging for those people-pleaser parts!
6. Be confident in setting more boundaries
Once you get the hang of setting boundaries, the empowering element of it becomes infectious. Yes, there are those “holy shit I actually did that and now I am thinking about it all the time and now I feel guilty” moment. But, the truth is that you are not lying to the other person about where you are at. You deserve to give this to yourself.
7. Speak about when your boundaries were crossed
This is key- transparency and honesty. Especially if someone or something oversteps a boundary, you need to speak up. You cannot rely on other people’s intuition about if they crossed your boundary or not, sadly.
Albeit a little scary, communicating where your boundaries were overstepped does not have to be confrontational. You can say “Hey, I didn’t like the way you talked to me. It made me feel small and devalued. Can you say it in another way?” or “I do not feel comfortable with that”. Here shows you are standing up for yourself while also asserting and helping others know where you are at.
8. Gain perspective and awareness
Understanding where and why your boundaries are vital for the existence of your mental well-being expose the importance of them in your life.
For example, understanding that your boundaries were once porous due to people-pleasing and learning that you can have meaningful friendships without over exerting yourself. You will value and respect yourself more once you choose to choose yourself.
9. Practice saying no
Yes, a hard one but essential for establishing and maintaining boundaries. Without saying no, the lines between your wants and needs and those of another person become blurred. They are essential to prevent emotional exhaustion and not having an opinion about what YOU want. Saying “No” is not a selfish choice. Rather it is an act of honesty.
10. Accept where other people are at and be open to ending relationships
Limiting your relationships with others and situations in which, as you become aware and confident, cross your boundaries is part of this process. You might lose relationships and friendships with others but believe me, it will be worth it. You are creating a community of people who will respect you and share similar values, there is no need to spend time with those who violate yours.
