What is People-Pleasing?

Nov 1

On the theme of people-pleasing, it is only fitting to help you learn the behind-the-scenes work. From trauma to habit to recovery, I walk you through ways to identify others and yourself when your people-pleasing part comes out. Enjoy.

What is a people-pleaser?

People-pleasers are individuals who intentionally put their needs last to accommodate others. It is challenging for them to distinguish between their wants, needs, dislikes, interests, and hobbies from others as their “I’m flexible” mentality is in essence their difficulty of saying no.

People pleasers will avoid conflict at all costs. In preventing conflict they prevent their fear of rejection or disappointing others at the expense of themselves.

It is the scariest feeling to confront others as the fear of losing someone outweighs the benefit of saying no for people-pleasers. While people-pleasers are very helpful and friendly, they also express their behaviour in ways such as:

Avoiding conflict
Low self-esteem
Highly agreeable
Rarely says no
Seeks validation in others
Accommodates others needs before theirs
Accepting invitations that you might not want to do
Lacking personal boundaries
Rarely if at all confronting harmful behaviour
Anxiety and depression
Self-sacrificing
Excessive help and appeasing others

What causes people-pleasing behaviour?

There are several reasons that play a role. At the root of people-pleasing the person fears rejection from those they love or look up to from a young age. This might have been a behaviour learned from a parent who gave conditional love. As a result, seeking validation from a parent and receiving their love was, as a child, the most effective way to feel loved.

We can also attribute people-pleasing as a trauma response called “fawning”. Fawning is the response to settle conflict and maintain the approval of others in relationships. To appease others, the abuser, the parents, is therefore to not be rejected. A 2023 research article discovered that fawning is a trauma response often found in those who experienced childhood sexual trauma. Appeasing was an act of establishing a false sense of safety as confronting the conflict might have been very dangerous.

Emotional dependence

Relying on others for outside validation and approval leads the people pleaser to be dependent on others for their feelings. While being acknowledged is one of the most freeing feelings, it leads to internal insecurity for people-pleasers. This is because they are relying on having their psychological needs met by others rather than relying on their own internal validation.

With the fear of rejection and loneliness a people-pleaser may feel, they often fill this void by depending on the physical and emotional closeness of their partner.

How recognize a people-pleaser

While those with big hearts, helpful by nature, and enjoy spending time together are characteristics of a wonderful person, it is the motivation behind these actions that make one a people-pleaser. The motivation is labeled with low self-esteem and actions based on reducing potential conflict while seeking praise.

Sadly more women than men fall into the category of people-pleasing. The social construction of sexuality means that women are “to be” more passive, caregiving and therefore have less needs. Women with “needs” are more often labeled as being difficult than as men. On the other end, “needs” for men means sex. But that is a different blog post altogether. .

How does it show up in your relationship?

When the receiver becomes used to you saying yes, it could come as a surprise when you say no. The receiver begins to believe you are being honest with them so they continue to do the same thing. On a small scale it is like you saying that you like vanilla ice cream but you actually don’t and when you eventually say you prefer chocolate, they might say “I didn’t know you liked chocolate ice cream”. Understandably so.

Standing up and saying no will likely come as a surprise to your partner. This further means you are not being truthful in the relationship about who you truly are.

How to catch yourself people-pleasing and stop

First and foremost, combatting people-pleasing is a process and takes time to implement into your life. Like many things, the antidote comes down to establishing boundaries and saying no. While boundaries are difficult to stand up for, they are essential for you to know your wants, needs, desires, and therefore more about yourself.

Learning how to say no
Saying Yes to things that you would like to do, not out of obligation
Speak up about something that is bothering you, even if it takes a couple of days
Do activities that you enjoy
Self-compassion
Validating yourself through internal reflection
Booking an appointment with me to help learn these skills

Catching yourself and bringing awareness to your people-pleasing tendencies, even if you do not use the antidote, is the first step. In that moment, recognize the feeling that you have - fear, fear of rejection, obsessive need to make things right, fawn, willingness to overstep your own truth, heart beating fast, anxiety and so forth. Make a note of it because THIS is where you let someone step over your boundaries and do not stand up for yourself.

Begs the question, how do I learn how to set boundaries?

Booking an appointment with your therapist to learn these skills is the best first step. We go through knowing when to say no, what your personal preferences are, learn that you are not responsible for other people's feelings and or reactions and so much more. It is a lifetime skill that once you have it down, you will feel confident in your own skin.

The benefits to being a recovered people pleaser are that you gain internal validation and care less (because, let’s be honest, we sometimes do care a little bit) about what others think about us. You learn internal and external honesty, reducing shame, and awareness around the moments in which you are triggered to fawn. Having a partner help you through this process is very helpful to hold you accountable and aware.

One of the best parts of setting healthy boundaries is that they often tend to be less scary than we imagined them being. Go figure! Granted there are harder boundaries than others to set, I can tell you by experience I feel more grounded in myself and therefore in relation with others.

Bridging questions