Communication Breakdown and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Part 2: Defensiveness

Part 2 of our series through the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse brings us to the natural reaction from criticism: Defensiveness.

What is defensiveness?

The two ways we protect ourselves is by, according to Dr John and Julie Gottman, righteous anger and the innocent victim. Neither of these protective mechanisms are helpful in solving the conflict because the defensive partner is not being a teammate. 

Strategy number 1: Righteous indignation

Righteous anger is anger from what is perceived as being unjust or unfair. What is unfair from the defender is relative and to protect they attack intensely / stronger to prove their injustice. Here is an example: 

Criticizer: You are always late! 

Defender: Well you only got a promotion because you suck up to your boss! 

Ouch! 

Strategy number 2: The innocent victim

The second defensive strategy is being the innocent victim. It is a victim who bears no responsibility for their actions based on the nature of who they are. Often the innocent victim narrative is linked to an identity that they hold. Here is an example: 

Criticizer: You never appreciate me. 

Defender: I am doing my best to provide for the family and do whatever it takes! 

Another ouch! 

How to notice you or your partner are being defensive

Defensiveness is the easiest horseman to notice as we: 

• Justify 

• Explain 

• Will not take responsibility 
  

In justifying their actions and explaining themselves, yes it makes sense when we feel criticized but we deny the role we played to get to in said conflict. Admittedly it is frustrating hearing our partner defend themselves and then hurting one another, and of course you would not want to continue the conversation! The attempt to hurt our partner is to prove a point as to why they should be excused. Unfortunately, the shield our partner uses is a cyclical dance which rarely resolves without the antidote: Taking responsibility and pausing for 2 seconds. 

The Antidote

Thank goodness there is an antidote! Taking responsibility can feel like the most challenging aspect to resolving conflict as it requires self-awareness and letting go of your self-victim narrative to which we can hold on ever so tightly. The wonders of pausing for 2 seconds is enough to bring in self-awareness and prevent an explosive reaction from happening. Example:

Criticizer: You are always late 

Responsibility taker: PAUSE. You are right, I have been late. I will be proactive in leaving work earlier. 

Yes! 

When couples come into my office and they tell me about using the antidote in their most recent fight, they smile and show pride on their faces. I ask, what is difficult to do? They often reply “It was easier than I expected and the pause prevented us from arguing about nothing”. Music to my ears and a big win for their relationship. 

Give it a try and see what happens. 

Bridging questions: 

Where do I become defensive in our relationship? 

What challenges will I/we face in taking responsibility and how can we overcome them? 

Do I have an innocent victim self-narrative?