The Myth of Scheduling Sex
Scheduling sex= not hot. Scheduling a hot date: hot
One of the most common myths I hear in my office is how scheduling sex is boring because it’s not spontaneous. From couples who are struggling with desire discrepancy and at a loss of what to do, yes, I can see how scheduling seems like a last resort option that feels “clinical”. But like all of the sexual myths out there, it is hurtful and in facts put yet another wedge between you and your partner.
Let’s unpack and debunk this myth.
In long-term relationships with chaotic lives, you climb into your bed at the end of the day and promise you’ll have sex tomorrow. Tomorrow comes but no orgasm. Not only is there a societal narrative that sex should be at the end of the day- after all the chores are done, dinner, kids put away, stressful day at work has passed. But really, let's be gentle with ourselves here- it isn’t the optimal time to have sex for many people. Met with expectations that it SHOULD happen naturally, well sex goes out the window.
The importance of maintaining a healthy sex life
Maintaining a healthy sex life is similar to the glue of a relationship, especially to those who use physical connection for closeness. In marriages and partnerships where sex is limited or eliminated all together, a lack of sex becomes fertile grounds for an affair to happen. It is an uncomfortable place to put the relationship in. Thus, scheduling sex makes sex a priority. As Dr Lori Brotto advises, scheduling sex is like going to the gym. It takes a little effort to get there but you never regret a good workout! Further, the more you get over that “hump”, the more frequent, confident, and sexually responsive you will be.
So here’s what I love about this approach and the key factors to success
Coordinate a time and day in the week that works for both of you
Let’s say Wednesday just before the kids get home from school happens to be a moment where you both are free. It’s a time where logistically, emotionally, and physically engaged as well. These are the moments you want to jump on- pun intended. In the Gottman world, we call these times Rituals of Connection. They are vital for a healthy relationship connection to fill up our emotional bank account.Literally put the date in your calendar
Why? Because, unless you have a very good memory, your intimacy date will get lost amidst the chaotic day, then we make an excuse, then we say well it doesn’t work anyway, then we say screw it, and we are back to square one: No sex.Be open about what “sex” means for you
“Sex” is an encompassing word for all places that intimacy exists. So if you and your partner are nervous about having penetrative sex, connect in other intimate ways that don’t include penetrative sex. And that’s still sex! Variety keeps the relationship real, challenges yourselves to expand the notion of what sex truly means, and you’ll likely be having sex in no time! Read my blog post about sensual play for many options.
Further, being flexible acknowledges that some people need a responsive form of desire that only happens once something sexual has begun. Others enjoy the anticipation of sex wherein scheduling holds a space for both needs to create intimacy. Remember it isn’t about a performance, rather an intentional moment to incorporate connection in a delicious space that is right for both of you at the same time.Stick with the schedule while holding each other accountable
Not following through, especially when sex seems intimidating after many months of disconnection, is the biggest issue couples face. When this blockage comes into my office I say, how committed are you to the process? What's getting in the way? Are those excuses or genuine blocks? Accountability is an enormous factor in the sustainability of committing to your schedule. At the end of the day, it is really up to you to decide how important bringing back intimacy is to the relationship.
Okay, life DOES happen. If it does tend to get missed, I suggest making a contingency plan. If Wednesday’s do not work, Sunday evenings are another possibility. If you choose a time and day that isn’t the best for you mentally, rearrange the schedule to fit it in. The logistical element is key, yes, but you also need to be in the mental headspace for intimacy to be good.Anticipate and create an intentional space
Time to benefit off the time you and your partner make for one another, so why not make it exciting? Talking about creating an environment will allow trust, playfulness and communication to foster deeper connections. For example, bringing in a sex toy one day, whereas the next week you focus on a big makeout session, or begin your sensate focus.
Anticipating the scheduled time throughout the day with your partner is what we call courting; “I can’t wait to try our new toys tonight; I am excited to see you in a few hours”. What a confident boost and moment to look forward to!
Not so boring afteral
With everything said, can you see now why scheduling sex isn’t so clinical and boring after all? Myth debunked! That being said, in the event you and your partner continue to struggle with sexual desire and intimacy, it does not mean your relationship is over. Rather, it takes some more creativity and a session with me to help integrate sexuality into your relationship again.
