Communication Breakdown and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Part 4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the fourth horsemen that we see in our series about conflictual communication.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is when our partner shuts down, becomes silent, often crosses their arms or walks away. Sometimes a little glance at the speaker but generally the partner is looking down or into the void, essentially not listening. Because you know what? They aren’t.
What is the stonewaller trying to do?
Instead what the stonewaller is attempting to do is self-soothe on their own by disengaging with the conflict. While they might look cold on the outside, their heartbeat is often racing about 100 bpm and more because they are in fight or flight mode. This is what we call flooding. Flooding happens when we are overwhelmed enough that our nervous system is unable to process feelings, thoughts, and conflict. The physiological reaction in fight or flight mode begins to shutdown organs that aren’t useful in the time of instinct which, unfortunately, also includes our prefrontal-cortex; the region of our brain responsible for emotional and memory processing. Go figure!
Unfortunately the elements at play to the speaker are frustrating, irritating, and anxiety inducing because it feels like they are getting the silent treatment on purpose. Further, it escalates conflict and the 3 horsemen of the apocalypse come galloping in again. Generally the stonewaller is waiting for the conflict to stop so they can leave which is an attempt to resolve conflict, however it only adds to resentment. The thoughts going through their mind are:
Stonewaller: “When is this going to be over? I could have said something back then, but don’t say it now. God, I wish they would just stop. Are we done yet?”
Who stonewalls?
According to the Gottman’s, 85% of men in heterosexual relationships stonewall, but even in lesbian relationships there is stonewalling. So, what this means is stonewalling is not about gender, rather it is about how we are able to PROCESS, LISTEN, and COMMUNICATE our feelings.
The Antidotes
Like all of the horsemen thank GOODNESS there is an antidote! The Gottman’s suggest a few strategies for self-soothing when the stonewaller is flooding:
Take 5 deep breaths
Let your partner know an internal world communication feeling
Summarize, empathize, and validate your partner's point of view even if you disagree
Ask your partner to pause the conversation for 20 minutes, do not think about the fight, and come back to the conversation
Here is an example:
Speaker: I told you to never make an appointment for the kids without telling me. You always do this, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me again.
Stonewaller: Honey, you’re right. It slipped my mind and yes I have a lot going on but I should have told you. That must have been really scary for you to not know where the kids were. I am starting to feel defensive right now and I would like to take a 20 minute break to collect my thoughts before I say something I wouldn’t want to say.
The most important antidote: Taking 20 minutes away to cool down
Taking a break is important to note the time and when the speaker can expect them to return to the conversation. Should 20 minutes arrive and the stonewaller is still flooded, let the partner know they need a little more time. I cannot stress it enough that coming back on time or communicating you need more is SO important in this process. Not only does this provide the opportunity to feel calmer and have a different conversation, it also builds trust between the couple they will be able to resolve said conflict.
We will know our partner is listening to us because there are certain cues such as eye contact, head nodding, umhmms, and validating comments. The warmth feels respectful and is less likely to build resentment.
Bridging questions
Whats it like for you to stonewall?
Whats it like for you to be on the receiving end?
How comfortable are you expressing that you are stonewalling/becoming defensive?
What is the best way for you to self-sooth without shutting down?
