The Big D’s: Desire Discrepancy
Desire discrepancy happens when a couple has differing libidos that affect their sex life. Most commonly couples experience desire discrepancy in a committed relationship, after having children, when they are not talking about sex or having the sex they want, sexual trauma or plainly that sex has never particularly been something of interest to them.
I see many couples who work with therapists expecting to have sex again after 2 sessions. They and unfortunately many therapists focus on the frequency of sex than the quality, which is a big red flag. There is much more to the underlying cause and I see this as an alarm bell rather than a deal breaker. What other elements contribute to desire discrepancy?
Too much pressure on what sex means
When you think about sex, what is the first thought that comes up? No pun intended. Penetrative intercourse and orgasm right? Well, this is a yes AND situation. Sex is entirely inclusive of all forms of intimacy such as holding hands, kissing, foreplay, and hugging to name a few. When couples focus on orgasm and that “It’s taking too long to orgasm” or “She will think of me differently” or “I can just fake it to get it over with” no wonder why sex is not good, nor leads to an orgasm. With a narrow view of sex of what it is “supposed to be”, we greatly disappoint the opportunities for playing and enjoying one another’s company in the nude. Once pressure has been established, particularly for women, one study showed 6-16% of women experience performance anxiety while 9-25% of men do. This may lead to premature ejaculation or inhibition therefore contributing to shame.
Not enough foreplay
In the sex therapy world, foreplay is the time between the last time you orgasmed and the next time you orgasmed. In the wisdom of Esther Perel, she attributes the vital element of foreplay with making dinner. Long before you eat dinner you take time to find the recipe, go to the grocery store, prepare the food, cook the food, present it on a plate. Very little time goes into eating the meal, and it is so delicious you would do the whole process again. Using a food metaphor, roadblocks such as you couldn’t get all the ingredients, the dinner gets burnt, the guests bail all contribute to the taste of the dish. Anything that gets in the way, such as stress at work, postpartum depression, feelings of love, all contribute to the quality of the sex.
For Dr’s John and Julie Gottman's research about sex, they concluded everything in a relationship that creates feeling of belonging, intimacy, and safety becomes sex. Why? Because these are the essential ingredients in foreplay to the health of your relationship. So when it comes down to a pressure of being intimate, the narrow view of sex entirely excludes the foreplay. How are you supposed to enjoy sex if you are just given the grocery list?
Couples who do not talk about sex do not have good sex
Turns out that couples who are talking about sex are having quality sex. Even in times when intercorse is off the table, reminiscing about sexy times can be very intimate and fun. It can also be an opportunity to express what you enjoy, what you like less or, what you would like to try with your partner and so forth. This is what the Gottman’s call building your sexual Love Maps. By creating a true fantasy world that takes us in all sorts of directions, imagining your partner in an erotic way with their sexual preferences can be an enormous turn on. Not only is it material for the bedroom, it is also material for masturbation.
Dr Emily Nagowski, author of Come As You Are, challenged the Masters and Johnson sexual response cycle that people have responsive sexual and or spontaneous sexual desire. Sexual arousal, desire, and orgasm is a universal experience, however we are also equipped with what she calls “brakes” and “accelerators”. With one's foot on the breaks, sexual response is blunted, with too much acceleration, you are hypersexual. Both are natural responses, but to match one anothers desire a little more, you have to talk about what your brakes and accelerators are. For more information, Dr Nagowski explains the sexual responses in more detail here.
Quantity over quality
Many untrained therapists have the idea that quantity equates to quality. This is not true! Interests change, the couple has a longer history, sex is not prioritized, you name it, all factors come up. What would you prefer? Having bad quality intercourse several times a week or having good quality sex less often. It is my view that you should never be having bad quality sex because it becomes the experience of sex and therefore becomes something you do not want to have. As a sex therapist, this is like nails on a chalkboard!
Contributing factors such as different erotic interests, preference in morning intercorse or evening sex painful intercourse, or sadly a loss of attraction are part of the desire discrepancy.
The poor quality dynamic in particular sets the couple up for failure. I have several articles about the Good Enough Sex Model by Barry McCarthy who argues gaining and maintaining intimacy requires 3 steps:
With these factors and adding in the element of play and eroticism, you can and will be having a healthy sex life.
At the end of the day, a desire discrepancy is way more than just frequency. There are many elements that go into love making and being intimate with one another. This is especially true when we do not have the language to speak about our intimate life, or the communication skills to address bigger issues in the relationship. When was the last time you had good quality sex? What factors were in place that made it intimate?
